I’ve gotta confess – when I started this blog, I thought writing something every week would be way easier than it has been. It’s not because I don’t know what to write about; it’s just that I don’t always have the will to do it. It’s also probably why I wrote the past few posts on random days during the week. I intended to do it on Sundays, but something always comes up, so I’m doing this whenever I can. (Hey, at least I’m still doing it!)
As usual, this post will be reflective, but more than that, honestly more a self-therapy session than anything else. I recently found out that’s a thing! You don’t necessarily need someone else for therapy – once you understand your issues/problems, you can work towards getting better, which basically means you can therapize yourself. This discovery was fascinating, I’m not gonna lie.
Yesterday, I was on a call with a friend I work with, and he said something that others have indirectly told me in the recent past. I have this terrible habit of thinking I am lesser than I actually am. That I’m not good enough. Now, any creative in the advertising/PR world would probably say they relate to this. But I think my issue is bigger than that. I have literally said things where I put myself down. Even when I didn’t need to. Especially when I didn’t need to (I mean, I probably would never need to, right?). And the worst part is it’s not limited to work. It’s in all aspects of life. And I don’t think that’s a good thing.
I’m realizing now that I kinda touched on this in one of my earliest posts. I’m surprised I didn’t notice it earlier, considering how obvious it was/is (even this last line, I first wrote “I was stupid enough not to realize how obvious it was/is” before going back and rewriting it). Anyway, after the (very important) conversation with my friend, I thought about what he said for quite a bit and tried to figure out the cause. And, I think, there isn’t just one. There’s a multitude of them. Some of which I probably don’t even know about yet.
Without a doubt in my mind, my relatives repeatedly picking on me when I was a kid is one cause. Constantly. To the point where I would do everything I could not to meet them. “Oh, he’s lazy.” “Oh, he’s fit for nothing.” “All he does is watch TV all day.” Mind you, this was before iPads were even a thing, and I barely even watched TV (I mean, how could I when all they did was pick on me for watching TV!). I can’t imagine what they would have said if I was a Gen Zer.
What I described above is honestly a very common brown kid thing. I think. I don’t know. Maybe it’s not. What I do know is that it’s a big reason I second guess myself. And think I’m not enough.
I’m starting to wonder, is that the reason I put myself second in relationships? There must be some connection, right? Maybe there isn’t. Maybe I’m grasping at straws. But, yes, it’s true. I put myself second in relationships. I’ve never once felt equal with someone I liked. It’s always like we’re in a bus where they’re the driver, and I am just a passenger. I could have used the example of a car and compared them to being a driver with me sitting shotgun. But, no, that would be true if I had a little more, for lack of a better word, control. And I never have. Always a passenger.
It’s funny. My friend also spoke about this on the phone yesterday. A few days after things didn’t work out with this girl I liked (still like?), he brought it up, and I apparently said something that was along the lines of “yeah, I guess that’s all that was meant to be.” And, you know what, I don’t even remember that. I guess it’s just inherent at this point. I say shit like that without even realizing how it is/has been affecting me. That’s not good.
Going completely off-topic here, but this might support my earlier theory. When I was younger, my English was subpar. Mostly because I went to a shit school, but I won’t get into the details. My relatives (the same ones as above) made fun of me. In their defence, it was all in good fun, but after having to deal with it constantly, it became more than a “joke.” Today, even though my English is probably close to being as good as a native speaker, I overanalyze the shit out of everything that leaves my mouth. If I’m on a Zoom call and accidentally say something grammatically incorrect, I judge myself to no end. Even though no one would have noticed 99 out of 100 times.
The point I was trying to make with the above bit is that these things truly affect you in the long run. It’s almost like they’re embedded in you. And just like you have to make a conscious effort to learn things, so should you make an effort to unlearn things. In this case, I must unlearn many things that I, deep down, believe about myself. Because it’s not healthy. And I know I’m better than that. Much better than that. I just need to start believing it.
Thank you, friend, for helping open my eyes and see what I probably had noticed but ignored on several occasions. Also, thank you to another friend who spoke about this not long ago, but only concerning love and relationships. I see my flaws, and I will do whatever is necessary to change my mindset. It’ll take time, I won’t lie. And I might fall back into the same pattern a few times before I truly understand. And learn. But I’ll do it. Also, I don’t know if I have a choice because my friend said he’ll send the following meme every time he catches me saying something mean to myself. (Honestly, if I were Batman in this situation, I wouldn’t have cared.)
Moving forward, maybe I should just do this instead of spending $160 on a therapy session. I can bitch about people without worry – it’s not like a million people are reading this anyway. No, I’m kidding. I never do that. (That might actually be a lie.)
I’ll wrap this up by saying that the journey towards realizing my self-worth begins here. I know I’m talented. I know I’m worth more. I just need to believe it. I just need to believe that I belong at the table.